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"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde." - Dolly Parton, I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts., I'm a picker I'm a grinner I'm a lover And I'm a sinner, So I went to buy a watch and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No just a watch thanks.", Some people call me the space cowboy Some call me the gangster of love Some people call me Maurice Cause I speak of the pompitous of love
Hariod asked me to tell a joke yesterday evening and then gave me one back in reply, so I thought I would tell you said jokes – mine being the Cloud’s favourite of all time. The Cloud is not a laugh a minute at times, but something in there was tickled.
Now, before I continue I am going to ask my fellow bloggerati out there to post their favourite joke in the comments box below. If you hate jokes then pull a funny face instead. I am rather easily pleased at times. Actually, a good quote on jokes will also suffice. But I’d prefer a joke, and if you pull a face then pictorial evidence must be supplied, so don’t take the easy road out. If you are about to tell me that you don’t know any jokes, I must point out that you are on the internet, and can access a trillion at any given point in time. You have to work for your smiles here on the cloud you know *cracks a whip a few times.
The jokes can be as risqué as you like, there’s no censor for sauce on the Cloud (the most common sauce to be found in the Cloud galley kitchen is tomato ketchup. In some strange foreign lands this is also known as ketsup, or catsip or something. Brown sauce has it charm, but ultimately the red condiment always wins in a fight to the death).
Here is Hariod’s offering, a fine choice whether you know of it already or not;
‘A man walks into the doctors and says “Doctor I’ve got this steering wheel lodged in my groin.”
The doctor says “How on earth did this happen?”
The man replies “I don’t know, but it’s driving me nuts” ‘
grins
And here is the Cloud and sonmi’s primary choice;
‘A man walks into the doctors and says “Doctor I’ve got a strange growth in an embarrassing place. Can you have a look?”
The Doctor asks the man to show him where the growth is, and the man lowers his trousers and underwear and bends over to show a small green leaf sticking out of his bum hole.
The man says “Can you help me Doctor?”
The doctor replies “I have some bad news sir, this is only the tip of the iceberg.”
bows
As I said to Hariod, there’s every chance the fact that I grow iceberg lettuces in the Cloud’s garden may have influenced my merriment.
Your turn.
Don’t let me down.
Esme's Cloud 
I never remember jokes with my slippery (or maybe selectively focused) memory. I do vaguely recall this pun a 97 year old woman once told me: What did the birch tree say to the elm? I’m going to get me some ash. 😀
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Ha! That will do nicely Dale, thank you. I only hope I’ll still be punning away myself at that age smiles
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I told my pet owl that I’ve just got engaged to be married.
My owl replied “You twit to who?”
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Ker-tish!
sonmi giggling upon the Cloud
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A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a martini with a cherry in it”
And the bartender replies “We don’t have any cherries”
Then the guy says “I’ll give you a hundred dollars if you give me a martini with a cherry in it”
So, the bartender goes into the backroom looking for a cherry, and on the floor finds a red marble which he puts in the guy’s martini
The guy drinks the martini gives the bartender a hundred dollars and leaves
The next night he comes back and says “I’ll have a martini”
And the bartender asks “What, no cherry”?
To which the guy says “No, last night I cut a fart and broke a window”
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HAHAHAHAHA. Ahem. Excellent, I’m impressed President and Founder.
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi and playing poker at a table in a bar when a police officer walks into the bar and spots them. “Tsk, tsk,” says the officer. He looks at the priest and says, “Father, are you gambling?”
The priest looks back at the policeman and says, “Son, gambling is a sin.”
The office then looks over at the minister and says, “Pastor, are you gambling?”
The minister looks back at the policeman and says, “Oh heavens no.”
The officer then looks at the rabbi and says, “Rabbi, are you gambling.”
The rabbi looks at the policeman, shrugs his shoulders, and says, “Who with?”
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Damn. Should be “are playing poker….”
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That’s ok, everyone gets stage fright now and again.
You know plenty of wise guys, so I expected an entry, thank you.
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I thought that was short! The rest was hiding in my spam ‘tsk’. That’s better!
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My joke got sent to your spam folder? I guess Akismet thought I was being sac-religious.
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Oooooooooh a groaner. That’s good, I had a feeling you’d be the one to provide the first one.
winks and laughs
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There’s more mind you……
‘A man received a parrot for
his birthday. The parrot was fully grown,
with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive. “Fucking beak,
bollocking seeds, bloody weather!”
The man tried hard to change the bird’s attitude
and was constantly saying polite words, playing
soft music, anything he could think of to try and
set a good example. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.
He shook the bird and the bird just got more
angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation,
the man put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk
and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was
quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.
The man was frightened
that he might have hurt the bird and
quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto the man’s
extended arm and said, “I believe I may have
offended you with my rude language and actions.
I will endeavour at once to correct my behaviour.
I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”
The man was astonished at the bird’s change
in attitude and was about to ask what had made
such a dramatic change when the parrot continued –
“May I ask what the chicken did?”
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This woman wanders up to the cocktail bar, takes a stool and contemplates what to order. She stares down into the bowl of peanuts in front of her and they speak back at her: “You’ve got a lovely pair of knockers” they say. Then, from over in the corner, the cigarette machine shouts “Yeah, but she’s got a fat arse”. The woman looks up from the nuts and stares in astonishment at the bartender who shrugs his shoulders and says “the peanuts are complementary but the cigarette machine’s out of order”.
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HAHAHAHAHA. Brilliant. This rivals P&F’s offering.
I’m not done myself yet mind you –
‘A Panda who is in the Navy finally gets some shore leave and feels rather randy. So he goes to a bar, has some drinks and meets a Lady of the Night.
They find their way to a hotel and cover every position in the book.
When its over the Panda bear gets up and starts putting on his clothes. The prostitute looks at him and says, “Aren’t you forgetting something?”
Panda replies, “I don’t think so, I got my hat, my jacket. Nope.”
She says “Why don’t you look up prostitute in the dictionary?” – So he does and it says “Prostitute: a women you pay for sexual favours”. The Panda says, “Why don’t you look up Panda bear in the dictionary?”
So she does, and it says – “Panda: bear from Southeast Asia. Eats, shoots and leaves.”
_ sonmi guffawing on the Cloud
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A man with a recently installed, hand crafted, mahogany eye is at a dance. During a slow song, he resolves to find a partner to dance with him.
He spies from the opposite side of the dance floor a rather attractive girl who is also without a dance partner, he gathers his courage and makes his move. As he gets closer he discovers she has a rather bulbous proboscis. Remembering that he too was not without his imperfections, gallantly continues on his chosen path.
He approaches her and is frank with her, asking “Would you dance with me?”
Filled with excitement, she shouts, “Oh, wouldn’t I?!”
Without missing a beat, the man retorts: “BIG NOSE!” and turns away in a huff.
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HAHAHAHAHA. And it took me a beat to catch on too *falls about. Thank you masodo, I knew you’d r ‘eye’ s to the challenge!
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Two cloud-watching, joke-loving, guffawing philosophers of the paranormal cross at the lights and walk into a building.
You’d wonder how they could’ve missed it…
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Nice. Very nice. A joke with aplomb. I like it, you have raised the tone from the gutter I sank to. Thank you.
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Like many others, I can’t recall a joke. Leastwise none I’d would place here, thereby putting your safety and reputation at risk. And searching the web for jokes seemed such a cheesy thing to do.
But I’m cheesy, and so I searched, and while not original and a bit cheesy themselves, these may provoke a chuckle.
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I highly appreciate the efforts to protect my reputation by going for snot, poo and boobies as subjects. Clearly you know sonmi well, because such sophisticated puns have her laughing away.
Thank you Peter, you did not let me down beams and laughs some more
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Yeah well, when you say it like that . . .
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…..hahahaha.
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This just in:
A guy’s sitting at a bar, the lights are dim, he says to the lady next to him, “Would you like to hear a blond joke?”
“Well, I’m a blond,” says the lady, with defiant tone. “And I’m a weight lifter. My two girl friends here are blonds too, one’s a triathlete, the other is a MMA fighter. So mister, you still wanna tell your joke?
The guy thinks about it second and says, “No. I don’t feel like explaining it three times.”
Exit, stage left.
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HAHAHAHAHA, awards him a gold star for effort, all the more-so as once upon a time she was a blonde herself
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